HOW OUR PAST BECOMES OUR PRESENT

Normally, through the process of neurological integration, we are able to map our past memory of an event with our conscious memory. We are able to see that an emotional experience- painful or pleasurable, as belonging to the past (rather than as current reality), and see it as a part of our personal story. As a result of trauma, however, the memory gets ‘split off’ and locked up’ in a hidden part of our psyche. 

Our brain make this happens by flooding our entire nervous system with stress hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol, and these block the hypo campus from its normal integrative function (Siegal, 2007). Bodily sensations and our emotional states are left encoded in the right hemisphere of our brain (Shore, 2011), but not integrated into our conscious memories. In other words, the experience is fragmented, compartmentalised. 

These locked up traumatic memories are normally kept unconscious. However, in our adult lives, when we are triggered by certain events, we may become extremely sensitive and reactive to things that would not normally bother us.

We are the most sensitive, irritated, frustrated, in relation to our closest partners . their seemingly benign and well-intentioned comment might trigger us,  vigilantly look out for the slightest hint of criticism and rejection, or find ourselves in constant anxiety over being abandoned or engulfed. When triggered, we revert to feeling and behaving like a much younger version of ourselves— as if we were suddenly ‘taken over’ by the two-year-old in us. We end up hurting those who are the dearest to us.

We feel the rawest and vulnerable as we are in an intimate relationship.  As someone enters our life, we are challenged to melt away the usual armour and to trust and be open to the uncertainty in human relating, others’ and our own imperfections, and the possibility of getting hurt again.  In psychological term, this is where our attachment system becomes ‘activated’.  We want intimacy, and we are afraid of it. This paradox is captured when self-psychologist Heinz Kohut asks: “Why does one layer become actively engaged…, while the other sinks into darkness and remains out of sight? ”

To move on from our past means coming to terms with the fact that our family has let us down, wounded us, abandoned or betrayed us, so we are no longer held back from the residue of our trauma. 

It means not letting our past relational wounds spill over to our present-day lives: 

Not projecting past wounds and trauma onto our partners.

Not letting our rage out on those we love.

Relating to the world with healthy assertiveness rather than fears and defensiveness.

Loosening the grip of internalised shame, low self- esteem, addictions and compulsions.

Putting a stop to abusive relationships.

“Once the fear took hold, I was fucked. I'd never known anything like it could exist: all-consuming, ravenous, a whirling black vortex that sucked me under so completely and mercilessly that it truly felt like I was being devoured alive, bones splintered, marrow sucked.” 
― Tana French

THIS WEEK’S EXPERIMENT: REFLECTION

How does your past hold you back?

Do you allow your past wounds, unmet needs and hunger for love sabotage the love and abundance you do have in the present day?

Name three areas in your life where you feel your past is in the present, holding you back from your best self.

Writing a stream of free thoughts without censoring yourself too much:

Today I…

Yesterday I…

Tomorrow I will…

I believe I will…

I am sure I will..

Expand the results of your reflection in the visual journal.