face the truth
In her book For Your Own Good, the Swiss psychologist Alice Miller coined the term 'poisonous pedagogy' to describe a mental control device some family use to maintain a position of power and to normalise a dysfunctional dynamic. 'Poisonous Pedagogy' consists of a list of doctrines are passed on from generation to generation. Here are some of them:
Parents deserve respect simply because they are parents.
Children are undeserving of respect simply because they are children.
Obedience makes a child strong.
The body is something dirty and disgusting.
Strong feelings are harmful.
Parents are always right.
Parents are creatures free from drives and guilt.
Duty produces love.
A high degree of self-esteem is harmful.
A low degree of self-esteem makes a person altruistic.
Severity and coldness are a good preparation for life.
A pretence of gratitude is better than honest ingratitude.
The way you behave is more important than the way you really are.
Neither parents nor God would survive being offended.
It might be painful to reflect on how we might have been subject to the above. Unlike incidence of physical or sexual abuse, the trauma we experience from mental control or emotional abuse is insidious and furthermore toxic.
But not having physical evidence does not mean our suffering is not legitimate.
It is extremely uncomfortable to come face to face with the limitations of our parents, and consider all they ways they have hurt us.
However, by burying our anger, our story and our true feelings, by prematurely moving into fake forgiveness, by drowning our truths to protect others, by letting go of our boundaries for surface harmony, we are bypassing an essential step in our attainment of true freedom.
Although we may temporarily feel relieved from not having to think about what is upsetting, the gremlins from the past often come back and haunt us, when we least expect it to— addictions, compulsion, rage at those we love and care about.
Or, in some insidious and invisible ways, our past wounds hide us from our potential stop us from moving forward in life— in the form of depression, allowing abuse, the inability to stand up for oneself.
True releasing starts with knowing our story, even when it means staring daringly at the cruelty, dysfunctions and limitations of those who have hurt us.
However painfully, we see it clearly.
We see how, unlike the superman or superwoman our childlike-self had wanted our parents to be, they are wounded and limited human.
They have acted out of their insecurities, projections, insecurities, trauma and wounds, and those acts have wounded us.
They did not understand our intensity and said hurtful words that make us shrink.
They felt threatened by what we saw and said, and tried to stifle our voice.
We were used to compensating for their un-lived lives;
We had become the container for the anxiety that they could not bear.
Rather than deleting, bypassing, forgetting or excusing the awfulness of it all.
To heal we must think not of elimination of our past hurt but of integrating our story as a part of us.
“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.”
― Laurell K. Hamilton
THIS WEEK’S EXPERIMENT: FAMILY ALBUM
Review your family album, find photos of a family event- an occasion where everyone in your family gatherings. Choose a few that jump out at you, then, reflect on the following:
What are the strengths or past success of this family?
Notice the quality of the connection between each member.
What are the dynamics involved? Who tends to go to whom for what?
What was it like growing up in this family?
Who provided the most support to you?
Who were you the closest to?
What is it like for you right now - when you are with them?
Did you feel safe with your family?
How do they handle conflicts and disagreement?
Is it okay to express your emotions in your family? Are negative expressions ‘banned’ from conversations?
Was there a time you were anxious about one or more of your family members?
Do you feel that at times you try to change your family members?