The ‘secure base’


Psychological studies have found that children who have good attachment to their caregivers can trust and use them as a ‘secure base’, which is a springboard for them to safely explore the world.

In a series of psychological experiments known as the ‘strange situation’, children were put into a room with toys laying around while their caregiver came in-and-out of the room. Researchers observed the children’s reactions in order to determine their attachment patterns and how they coped with separation anxiety. They found that children who had a good attachment relationship with their parents reacted drastically different than those without. Although the securely attached children showed signs of distress when their parents left the room, as their parents returned, they were able to instantly self-regulate, and bonded with others again. They felt safe enough to explore and play in their parents’ quiet presence. In contrast, children without a sense of having a ‘secure base’ demonstrated greater and longer distress as their parents left. even when left in a room full of toys, they were too frightened to play, Many of them remained distressed and mistrusting even as their parents returned. (Aisworth et al., 2015) 






Watch a video of this experiment here:






 The founder of human attachment theories John Bowlby (2005) stated that all of us, from the cradle to the grave, are happiest when life is organised as a series of excursions, long or short, from the secure base. Without knowing that we have something solid to come back to, however, it is very difficult to be courageous.


From a young age, we rely on having a ‘secure base’ to give us emotional freedom and courage.


When we have a secure base, life becomes a fun adventure, a roller coaster ride. We can enjoy the journey knowing that we are fundamentally safe and have a ‘home’ to go back to.  Bad events may lead us to feel disconcerted, and that all signs of threats seem like nightmares that will never end. As children, our caregivers provide us a secure base. As adults, however, we have to find it within ourselves. It may be particularly difficult for those of us who did not have the experience of a secure base when we were little.

To develop a secure base as an adult means to learn to take care of yourself, to befriend emotions that arise in you, and to gradually develop the confidence that you can bounce back from whatever life throws at you. In her book Feel the Fear and do it Anyway, Susan Jeffers (2012) states that fear is the belief that you would not be able to handle what may happen if you take action, and that the way to rise above fear is to believe in your ability to handle whatever it is that you face in life. Similarly, in his book Daring to Trust, David Richo (2011) suggests that the foundation of adult trust, love and intimacy is not the pollyanna belief that ‘you will never hurt me’, but ‘I trust myself with whatever you do’. 


With a secure base within yourself, you do not have to over fight, judge, deny or rationalise your emotions.

You can count on your inner strength so that you no longer feel at the mercy of mood swings.

Once you have developed a sense of internal trust, even when faced with tremendous uncertainties, you know on some level that you would not emerge from situations feeling completely groundless.

You will no longer need to rely on others for re-assurance of your safety because you know that you have yourself to come back to.

Eventually, your confidence in yourself to be able to come back from emotional storms can act as your ‘home base’, the part of your life that remains unperturbed no matter what. 



 

  

“It is a joy to be hidden, and disaster not to be found.” 
― D.W. Winnicott


THIS WEEK’S EXPERIMENT: SAFE PLACE MEDITATION


The following visualisation exercise can help you to locate a sense of safety within yourself. The goal is for you to not only intellectually but fully and viscerally be in touch with a sense of safety. For years, counsellors and therapists have used the Safe Place Visualisation as a way of helping people heal from even the most severe forms of trauma. This is an effective exercise that has helped many individuals who initially struggle to start locating a sense of safety to identify some stability within themselves. 


Materials Needed

  • Your journal, papers, anything to write/draw on.

  • Coloured pencils or markers, anything to draw and write with

  • A quiet, meditative space

  • At least half an hour of time


Procedure


Find a relatively quiet place, and relax.

Start by imagining a place where you feel safe. If the word ‘safety’ feels too loaded or difficult to find, do not stress too much about it—you are not alone. You can simply imagine a place where you feel relatively ‘good’, or calmer than usual. It does not have to be perfect.


It does not have to be an physical place either—it may be a place from memory, where you have travelled in the past, from a dream; alternatively, you can simply create something abstract and symbolic in your mind.


Now picture the details of your peaceful place. 

Are you sitting, standing, or perhaps lying down? Maybe you are walking around, or doing any other variety of activities. 

Perhaps you are alone or maybe you are with company. You may have a pet or an animal by your side.

When you look around you, what else do you notice? Notice what comes into your eyes, including the colours, various shapes, objects, plants, etc. 

Then focus on the sounds you may hear, including silence. Notice the sounds far away and close to you, the louder ones and the subtle ones.

Also notice the pleasant physical sensations in your body whilst you enjoy this safe place. Notice any skin sensations: the earth beneath you or whatever is supporting you in that place, the temperature, any movement of air, and anything else you can touch. 


Allow yourself to fully immerse in the sights, sounds, and sensations around you.  You can choose to linger there a while, just enjoying the peacefulness and serenity. 

 Now whilst you're in your peaceful and safe place, you might choose to give it a name, whether one word or a phrase that you can use to bring back the image at anytime. 

 Open your eyes, and take some time to draw what you saw out on a piece of paper/ canvas.


The illustration can include pictures, collages, and words. But do challenge yourself to use visual language, as they often helps us tap into our unconscious much more effectively than words itself.

Remember, this is not about creating a perfect picture. It is more important that you doodle something that is true to you at the moment, and that you could connect to at a later time.



See if you can maintain the feeling of calm from your peaceful place as you return to your everyday life.

You may hang the drawing up in your room, or hid e it in your office desk’s drawer, so you can see or use it frequently.


Whenever you feel unsafe, threatened, angry, sad, anxious, or overwhelmed, you can take your mind to your Safe Place. Even this is just in your imagination, your brain and your body would have received the calming messages.